Authenticity

What does authenticity mean to you? Let’s say there was a particular jewelry item that caught your attention, you like the attention to detail and it was something that just stood out for you. To add to this let’s say that you also know that you have a skin reaction to any metal material that is not “real” gold. So you inquire about the item, buy it and proceed to where it. If this item is gold you should not get any skin reaction and you will enjoy the item for years to come, but if for some reason it was not made of “pure” gold you start to notice that the area of skin that is in contact with it turns red, get’s itchy and uncomfortable and starts to swell. These are the signs that your body gives you to let you that you invested your money on a fake!

How authentic are you being each and every day that you wake up, interact with your family, and the world around you? Do you feel like you have to fake it in order to be likeable? Why is that? What would happen if you just showed up as you, the real deal?

These are the questions that I ask clients each and every day. Who is your authentic self, the one that really counts, the one that perhaps you don’t let out to play? Then I ask what is their seen self the person that they do show to everyone each and every day?

Yes, I know these are questions that can be hard to answer, not because you don’t know but because we are taught certain lessons in life, based on beliefs and values that have been handed down over the years from family and media etc.

As woman we learn from a young age that in order to be seen as attractive we need to have great skin, be thin, exercise, be quiet, helpful, and as a mom we learn that being selfless is the highest complement. I’ve had clients tell me that as child with 3 siblings they were told to go to their rooms whenever they started to disagree, so basically they couldn’t even embark on a lively discussion of who did what because they were punished and if they were punished it must of been because it was wrong. Well guess what, communication is a very primal thing in living things. Animals do it everyday, have you ever watched squirrels bicker over birds in a feeder or simply taunt one another? That’s how the world communicates! If you take that away then how are we suppose to live in harmony?

Ok, back to my point… what would happen if you were authentic? These are a few of the beliefs and rules that I grew up with that helped to shape my seen self. I was told to never let them see you sweat, dress professional but not provocative, it is always best to invest in education because it’s something that can never be taken away from you, being independent is best because then you don’t NEED anyone else. Mind you along with these beliefs life happened. So needless to say the person that I showed up as was happy, confident, fearless, strong, professional, independent, direct and to the point, serious, a workaholic and a fitness freak. I was an all or nothing type of gal. When I worked out I would push myself to compete in obstacle course races and the goal was always to beat my last time. I was my constant competition to be the best that I could be.

Some of that doesn’t sounds so bad, right? I had everything that everyone else had or wanted. I was married, had a nice home, had a great career, and I did the thing, I worked hard and played (worked out) harder. The reality of it is that I was constantly stressed, and since I was showing up as this fierce less person I was being asked to help others all the time, and I thought that I had to say yes all the time. So needless to say I was exhausted and had no energy left for myself. I was left juggling all the balls, while my family was left to go play and have fun while I picked up the mess and put everything back together so it could all happen again the next day.

I remember it hitting me one day. I had limited friends, the people we associated with were all my husbands friends, and we were friendly but they were not my friends. I had long time girlfriends but they had families and so we spoke only several times a year. I felt like I was on a island all alone when I was surrounded by a family of my own. I remember thinking how is it that I have all that I ever wanted and still feel the loneliest I’ve ever been?

That’s when I knew things had to change and I was desperate for that change to happen immediately! Like I only had so many days left of oxygen left before I would suffocate. My marriage wasn’t all bad, I cared for my husband and my step son dearly, but he feel in love with the person that I showed up as, not my authentic me. We struggled with communication and how to communicate our love to one another, we struggled with infertility and eventually closet alcoholism. There was a lot of denial and judgement going on and when the suggestion of therapy or having some spiritual influence was mentioned it was never taken as a serious or needed. So I folded, I waived the white flag in defeat and surrendered to it all, not as gracefully as I would have liked to, because I acted out and let my mouth get away from me at times and said things that I can not take back, but ultimately I knew that the only way I was going to survive was to get out!

So I admitted defeat, failure, I moved out of my home with very few items, I was no longer attached to material things I truly was simply trying to salvage myself and pick up the pieces and figure out where I went wrong and how to correct so that I would not make the same mistake again. I went to therapy which was good initially, I found a church, I forgave myself and others and then I started to do the hard work of trying to figure out who I really was so I could ensure I would never have an experience like that again.

Needless to say it’s been a process, I left my job of security and comfort that I had for 14 years to move to another state and start fresh. I had no idea what I was doing or how it was going to work out, but I did know that if I didn’t take a chance on me then I would never know, and I wasn’t ready to give up on me. So it was a bumpy road at first, I took contracting jobs doing the old work I had been doing, which would bump me back into that seen self, but it also gave me a sense of financial security. At the same time I was exploring being in a new place where nobody knew me, they had no preconceived notions of who I and the only things they would know would be what I put out there, so this was my chance to show up as the real authentic me.

I have to admit I didn’t necessary like this real me. I was not confident and I needed to learn to ask for help, which truly was foreign for me. I did like the fact that I could simply show up as me, not dressed professional just me in comfortable clothes, walking my dogs, saying good morning, enjoying a walk in the park and taking the time to actually observe nature around me. I wasn’t anybody to these people, so I didn’t have to seem like a pillar of strength, or be a resource instead I could explore and ask questions and learn more about myself.

I found that once I was able to show up as vulnerable and uncertain I could ask questions and not care or worry about being judged. I could breath easier, I was able to embrace relationships differently too, instead of putting on a front of that shiny object in the window, I was honest and upfront, I still put on my best me, but it was my best with my flaws uncovered. I’ve learned to embrace the things that make me who I am and in return I get to love each and every minute of every day.

I love my job as a BodyMind coach and massage therapist. I love being my own boss, and being able to create new things. I look forward to walking along side my clients as they do their work and evolve and learn new habits and patterns that better serve them.

I finally have a loving home, where honest conversation is an everyday thing. We show love, respect and kindness to each other and we have tough conversations when needed and we hold a sacred space that is safe and judgement free.

To show up as my authentic self is easier now, it feels light, natural and just freeing. I have less concern for how others feel about me. I’m a mess some days! Yes, honest to goodness, scattered, human, frustrated, emotional and you know what when I acknowledge this out loud and tell this to others, they don’t turn away or call me names, instead they typically let out a deep sign of relief and will smile a little or show a little emotion because you know what I’m much more relatable when I’m authentically me. They know I’m not going to judge them and that I hold a sacred space for them. This is my “magic sauce” it’s what makes me me and I just happened to be able to tap into it and connect it with my life purpose of helping people find themselves so that they can live their best life.

I’d love to hear your feedback on how you define authenticity and what it means to you and if you feel it has any purpose in your life? Perhaps it scares the crap out of you! I know it did me too. If it’s something that you’d like to explore and have some guidance on I’d love to connect with you. You can find my website at https://www.victoriacarrierlmt.org. sign up for a free discovery so we can chat.

Wishing you the best of all things, each and every day.