The holidays are a time when I feel boundaries or better yet, the lack of boundaries, makes us want to either hide in a closet until everyone leaves or simply jump in the car and make a quick get away before the meal has been served.
I post a lot about boundaries on my site, mostly because they are the easiest way to create a space where you can feel safe, loved, and respected. I use to believe that the only way I could have this sacred space for myself was to keep to myself, because I was constantly bumping up against family and friends that would tell me “you need to get a sense of humor” or “you’re being too sensitive” or “lighten up, already”!
I just didn’t seem to fit in with other people. I was the odd duck with a different perspective. Let me be clear; I still worked in a busy office with lots of colleagues that I conversed with on a regular basis, I worked out daily for my mental and physical health with other like minded individuals, and I had a family. But to be honest I still felt lonely, because I wasn’t in community with people like myself, who were practicing boundary work.
I’ve always known what I like and dislike, but initially I expected people to be able to read my mind or body language to understand this. What I wasn’t good at, was using words. I would try to say something, get shot down, or made fun of, and then I would get angry and try to say it again only to get more push back and told “to lighten up” or “you take things too seriously”. When this happened I would shut down and pull back. What kept me in this cycle? Fear (I wanted people to like me) and guilt (I felt bad not over doing for others, even if it made me feel overwhelmed, exhausted and resentful).
What I had a hard time coming to terms with is that not everyone was excited for me to change and do something that would make my life better. Unfortunately, the people I was closest too and did the most for were the ones that gave me the most push back. So be ready when you try this for yourself. Here are some tips on how to implement boundaries into your every day life, so that you no longer feel exhausted and resentment.
How to Get Started?
First, you need to identify your boundaries.
Is there a situation that makes you feel angry, anxious, defensive or overwhelmed? This is a good place to start. What makes you feel this way, shouting and yelling, repetitive request for money, name calling?
Have you ever had a bad day and just need to talk it out with a friend or partner only to have them dissect it and tell you what you should do? When in reality all you needed was to talk it out loud and process it? At home we will ask the person if they want an ear or advice and whatever they request is what they get.
Second, be clear and direct with your words (and polite).
If there is something that is happening that make you feel disrespected, unloved, or unsafe say something! It’s always good to use I statements and it’s important to know that “NO” is a complete sentence and you do not need to explain if you don’t want to.
At my work I had a close colleague that would fill in my words before I could finish. I ended up pulling them aside and telling them I appreciated their help, but in the future please let me finish my thought process, before you jump in. Another example is a time I came home late from work to a family that was expecting me to put dinner on the table. My family became complacent with me always putting a meal together. What I learned to communicate is that on days when I worked late, Somebody else needs to make dinner for the family.
Third, Set Consequences! If a person crosses your boundary what will happen? For me there are times when it’s been a long day and I simply don’t have the energy or ability to take on someones sarcasm or criticism. When this happens I simply raise my hand and say “I can’t do this right now” and then I remove myself from the situation.
I can honestly say before I put boundaries in place I felt trapped. I didn’t like my situation and I couldn’t figure out how to make it better without “hurting” someone. What I neglected to realize is that because of this I was the person constantly being hurt.
I’m hopeful you found some information here that you could relate to and apply to your own life. If you’d like to hear more or learn some tools to help you live your best life, reach out to me, go to Https://coachingandbodyworkbyvickie.com and click on the button for a discovery call. This will get you into my calendar so that we can talk more about your goals and what you’re hoping to achieve. Be Well!
Living a Life of Purpose 